iamGUCCI

JOLENE:
i realized that whoever comes to work in HD, family problems is the staff's MAIN PROBLEM.

it's true.
and although it seem quite some time since she has said that.
i mean, it's like everyone seems to have all kinds of problems at home.
but everyone just try to avoid it whenever they're out of home. trying to running away from the cruel reality as usual.
back as always, no matter how late or how long one didn't go home, there's bound to be some day or time when we've to get back into the house of our own.

guess this is the first time im talking about this issue.
whenever people asked about my family, i'll just ignore the issue, pretend i didnt hear anything, or just talked about it briskly.
and normally, i'll just pretend nothing at home, and that everything will be fine the next day.
but it doesn't seems to be.

was talking to hui an about our family and stuff.
our mothers, siblings and how different our lives are with different treatments.

she's born in a family of only girls.
i'm born in a family of all boys.
so the treatment given to each one of us was different.

in her family, treatment was only different, depending on whether one's the oldest or youngest.
as usual, the youngest always get things that they want.
the older ones of cause have to strive for themselves.

but in mine, there's another difference.
difference in whether one's a male or female.
things will not be the same if one has the TRADITIONAL mindset.
being bias against girls.
now i guess some understand why i don't even think i'm a girl myself.
at times, i really wish i was born being a guy.
at least i get some love at home.

everyone asked me to try to understand her.
understand that she's on alot of stress, and that she might be suffering from depression.
but the more i try, the worse it seems to be.
i guess, in the end, it's not her that suffering, but me instead.
cause she always sees things in her point of view, and never spare any other thoughts for the rest. she always thinks that she's the one that's always right, whereas i'm forever the one in the wrong.
i mean, ya, at times, i am at fault. but those harsh words given are too much.
too much till the fact that at times, i start to suspect if i'm the real one anot.

in the past, i always tried to be strong in front of friends.
although most of them know that i had a fierce "HER" at home.
but all of them thought that i'm strong enough to overcome it.
i guess, it's not because i've strong willpower.
but because i choose to ignore it. i just simply don't care about it the next day.

these few days, i felt very redundant at home.
lost the sense of belonging since the day i had SUSPECTED food-posioning.
realized that no one even bother to care if i'm alright.
and i also realized that whenever i get sick, no one even noticed about it at all.
not even when i'm like coughing like mad.
can u imagine it?
like in school, people can ask if i'm alright anot.
but RIGHT AT HOME, no one even asked, "are u okie? feeling better? need to see doctor?"
only my elder brother joked around me saying, "wa.... keep going to toilet to LS. going to die soon is it?"
=.="
to make things worse, someone actually thinks that i'm feigning illness and get scolded for nothing.
like WHAT THE HELL?!?!
there i am, suffering from all kinds of pain all over my whole body, vomiting all kinds of shit and LS-ing all the way
but there it is, someone out there thinking that i'm just faking everything.
do i have to feign sick to gain sympathy.
i don't do that, and why in the first place would someone like me, trying to feign sick when everything's just so fine?
STUPID THINKING right?
i can try to fake everything, but not being sick.
for what reason?


there's so many things that was misunderstood.
too many misunderstandings that's too much to be cleared.
one day.
just that one day, when i just went missing from here............